My Interview With Politicians

I recently had the chance to interview spokespeople from the two major political parties, GOP senator Ronnie Rep and Democratic congresswoman Debbie Dem, each considered leaders in their respective parties.

Here is the full transcript of my interview.

SRP: Thank you both for coming today. I would like to start with what I think is the most important question facing the nation today.

Debbie, What can be done to curb profligate government spending, which is causing deficits that threaten to bankrupt the nation and leave our children and grandchildren heavily indebted to foreign interests?

DD: Thank you for that question. I think we definitely need to look into the relations between the police and minority communities.

RR: She is anti-police.

DD: But that black man the other day was unarmed!

RR: No he wasn’t, the video showed he had a gun.

SRP: Thank you. But returning to my question, Ronnie, What can be done to curb profligate government spending, which is causing deficits that threaten to bankrupt the nation and leave our children and grandchildren heavily indebted to foreign interests?

RR: Well, for one thing, we need to secure the border.

DD: He is a racist. He hates Mexicans, who are only coming here to work.

RR: She just wants to extend health care to illegals.

SRP: Thank you. But returning to my question, Debbie, What can be done to curb profligate government spending, which is causing deficits that threaten to bankrupt the nation and leave our children and grandchildren heavily indebted to foreign interests?

DD: With regard to health care, we have made so much progress in exending health care to the poor and needy . . .

RR: While doubling premiums for the rest of us! Repeal Obamacare!

DD: What needs to be done now is to move toward single-payer health care, so no one is left behind.

RR: Except those who are voted down by the death squads.

SRP: Thank you. But returning to my question, Ronnie, What can be done to curb profligate government spending, which is causing deficits that threaten to bankrupt the nation and leave our children and grandchildren heavily indebted to foreign interests?

RR: She wants to take away your guns.

DD: No I don’t, I just want to register all the ones that are out there and make it impossible for people to get more. Isn’t there enough killing already with the ones we have?

RR: Hear your door being kicked down?

SRP: Thank you. But returning to my question, Debbie, What can be done to curb profligate government spending, which is causing deficits that threaten to bankrupt the nation and leave our children and grandchildren heavily indebted to foreign interests?

DD: We certainly need to protect a woman’s right to make her own reproductive choices. He wants to outlaw all abortions, 90% of which are the result of rape or incest.

RR: No I don’t! I just believe that we should have reasonable restrictions.

DD: There goes Roe v. Wade!

SRP: Thank you. But returning to my question, Ronnie, What can be done to curb profligate government spending, which is causing deficits that threaten to bankrupt the nation and leave our children and grandchildren heavily indebted to foreign interests?

RR: You mention foreign interests. As I said, build the wall. If we build it, they will not come.

DD: But we have to accept refugees!

RR: Can we have them at least leave their bombs in Europe before we turn them loose in our cities?

SRP: Thank you. But returning to my question, Debbie, What can be done to curb profligate government spending, which is causing deficits that threaten to bankrupt the nation and leave our children and grandchildren heavily indebted to foreign interests?

DD: I think that our citizens need to be united. Speaking of Citizens United, it has to be overturned. It allows corporations to spend money to favor things I oppose and oppose things I favor.

RR: OK, reverse it, but include the unions.

DD: But unions are noble people, and corporations are made up of greedy, faceless monsters.

SRP: Thank you. But returning to my question, Ronnie, What can be done to curb profligate government spending, which is causing deficits that threaten to bankrupt the nation and leave our children and grandchildren heavily indebted to foreign interests?

RR: People should stand for the national anthem.

DD: They have a right to sit.

RR: Not in the NFL. That is an arm of the military.

SRP: Thank you. But returning to my question, Debbie, What can be done to curb profligate government spending, which is causing deficits that threaten to bankrupt the nation and leave our children and grandchildren heavily indebted to foreign interests?

DD: I think that people should be able to use whichever restroom they feel comfortable in.

RR: Perverts in the girls’ bathroom. No man Jack in the Jills’ john!

DD: But we have to consider the 87% of Americans who are LGBT.

SRP: Thank you. But returning to my question, Ronnie, Debbie, What can be done to curb profligate government spending, which is causing deficits that threaten to bankrupt the nation and leave our children and grandchildren heavily indebted to foreign interests?

RR: Bomb the hell out of them!

DD: Yes, bomb the hell out of them!

SRP: Out of who?

DD and RR in unison: THEM!

RR: You know, the bad guys. America’s enemies.

DD: The rich. They aren’t paying their fair share anyway.

RR: Nothing a few thousand tons of bombs can’t solve.

DD: The children! Won’t someone think about the children?

RR: The flag! Apple pie! She hates apple pie!

DD: He hates Muslims and people of color!

RR: She was not even born in this country!

DD: He is warring on women!

RR: She wants to let ISIS vote in the girls’ restroom!

DD: Bush lied, people died!

RR: Reagan!

DD: JFK!

SRP: I think it is abundantly clear here who the enemy really is.